2¢ Christmas, What the bleep was that?!


Billy’s (Zach Galligan) dad has gotten him a new pet for Christmas, a Mogwai. The little critter comes with three very simple, very important instructions:

  1. No exposure to bright lights and especially not sunlight, or the Mogwai dies.
  2. Don’t get it wet.
  3. Don’t feed it after midnight.
    Naturally, all three rules are broken in quick succession. They have to be or there wouldn’t be a story.
    If the furby-like creature gets wet, it multiplies in a Biblical fashion. And if it gets fed after midnight, it cocoons itself and comes out the other side transformed into a demonic gremlin. The gremlins quickly multiply, go out of control, and nearly destroys the entire town. It will take nothing short of a Christmas miracle to save the day.

This is a weird little movie. Was Chris Columbus on crack when he wrote this?! And when Furbies came out how many kids named theirs Gizmo?

This movie felt kinda like a demented mix of Ghostbusters and Star Wars except that’s an insult to two amazing movies. The gremlins are like evil Yodas with the spirit of Gozer inside of them. Gizmo was the best character in the entire thing. If there needs to be family-friendly horror, Gremlins is the perfect blueprint. It’s crazy and scary without being satanic. The House with a Clock in its Walls writers should’ve been taking notes.
There’s several uses of damn, paired once or twice with God’s name, several uses of what the hell, exclamations of Christ and Jesus. Ass and asshole are also used. One person winds up dead, but there’s no blood.

I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it. I prefer ET or Jurassic Park over this one. It’s not a movie I’d watch to get into the Christmas Spirit, but that’s just me. You can stream it now on HBO Max.

2¢ Christmas, Christian Critique, Was it really that bad?, What the bleep was that?!

Christian Critique: The Star

Well, that was a massive disappointment.

Bo (Steven Yeun) wants to do something important with his life like joining the Royal Caravan, but God has a bigger plan in store for him: Being the Donkey that Mary rides to Bethlehem and the hero who’s behind saving Jesus from a really early demise. Yes. that’s the plot. Somebody, please cringe with me.

Christians suck at making faith-based movies. So does Hollywood. Christians not making good faith-based movies is disappointing. Hollywood not making good faith-based movies is disappointing, but expected and predictable. I wanted this to be good. I wanted it to be great. It was neither.
There are major Biblical inaccuracies:

  1. John is already born and in attendance at Mary and Joseph’s wedding
  2. Mary tells Joseph about Jesus after they are married and is far along enough that she has a massive baby bump.
  3. The Wise Men visit King Herod before Jesus is ever born, not two years after the fact. When Herod is informed of there being a new king, he sends a guard with two dogs to track Mary, Joseph, and Jesus down and put an end to this new Kindom before it ever has a chance to start. I wish I was joking.

This movie was like Bible fan fiction. Really bad Bible fanfiction. Written by people unfamiliar with the original source material. AKA THE BIBLE!! I don’t know if the writers are Christian or not. I’m hoping for the sake of the movie that they’re not. Because if they are, this is embarrassing. They don’t even mention Jesus by name until close to the end. He gets name-dropped twice. Other than that he’s referred to as the baby and God’s son. Considering it’s a Hollywood movie, I’m surprised they mentioned Jesus by name at all.
I liked that Joseph was played by Zachary Levi and that the movie showed both Mary and Joseph struggle with the idea of being responsible for Jesus. I thought that was realistic. But that’s all I liked. Other than that the movie was long, I got bored, and stared at my phone which I don’t usually do if I’m enjoying something. Read the Bible instead. It’s better. So much better.

2¢ After Dark, 2¢ Christmas, Was it really that bad?, What the bleep was that?!

2¢ After Dark Gone Sour: Scrooged

That’s an hour and forty-six minutes of my life that I’m never getting back. Ever.

Mean-spirited TV executive Frank Cross (Bill Murray) is a modern-day Scrooge (Well, modern for 1988 anyway). He fires someone over a disagreement and treats his assistant and everyone around him like crap. He needs a visit from his dead, disintegrating boss and three ghosts to straighten him out.
Good news: I have a new least favorite movie! Bad news: I had to watch this to find out it was my least favorite movie. Scrooged is mean-spirited, crude, crass, unfunny, to borrow a word from the movie, bleak, heartless, and soulless garbage. It’s a boring trainwreck. The writers were probably higher than a fricking kite. Nothing can save this dismal disaster of a film. I’ve had colonoscopies more fun! But I do have a favorite part: The credits!
The movie is long and the lead is completely unlikable. Language includes words like bitch, shit, damn, and several misuses of God’s name, four times paired with damn along with several other off-color words. Other unnecessary elements include scantily-clad dancers and a woman making photocopies of her butt to pass around the office Christmas party. Frank’s girlfriend is seen in the bathtub, but nothing too personal is shown. She gives him a copy of the Kama Sutra and they flip through it. There’s honestly too many issues to list on Instagram. You’re better off watching something else. Something wholesome like The Santa Clause, Elf, or Arthur Christmas. Anything but this.

Was it really that bad?, What the bleep was that?!

Was It Really That Bad? Thunder Force

Two estranged friends, Lydia (Melissa McCarthy) and Emily (Octavia Spencer) reunite for a school reunion but never make it there. Lydia has dedicated her life to ending the Miscreants, the supervillain who killed her parents. She’s worked out a way to give humans superpowers. Lydia accidentally becomes the recipient of super strength and is forced to continue the treatments or face the life-ending consequence. Emily begins the treatments for invisibility and the two team up to form the crime-fighting team, Thunder Force.
Twitter destroyed this movie when it came out last year, but was it really that bad?
The short answer: Yes!

It’s an hour and forty-seven-minute cringe-fest! Which is a shame considering the talented cast, but not even talented actresses like Melissa McCarthy and Octavia Spencer could save this movie! It’s a long, unfunny mess which is bad you have an actress known for her comedic talent in a lead role! The best part of the movie was Melissa’s Urkel impression. The purple Lamborghini was cool too, but that’s it.

There’s a couple gross things too. Lydia acquires a taste for raw chicken. There are several raw chicken-eating scenes. The Crab (Jason Bateman) talks about receiving his powers by being bitten by a radioactive crab on his genitalia. A gross and unnecessary detail and if I have to suffer so do you! There’s a little language throughout as well. I liked the cast and the concept but hated everything else! Skip this one. Twitter was right about this one. As one of my favorite critics Nostalgia Critics says, I watched it so you don’t have to!

What the bleep was that?!

Live Action Trash: Garfield

With the news about Chris Pratt being the new voice of Garfield making the rounds, I decided to watch Garfield (2004) I had never seen it in its entirety before. Turns out I didn’t miss anything. Up til now, I’d dodged a furry orange bullet!
After a visit with Liz the vet (Jeniffer Love Hewitt), Jon (Breckin Meyer) brings Odie home much to the dismay of Garfield (Bill Murray) Garfield kicks Odie out, and he runs away. Now it’s up to Garfield to rescue him after being dog-napped by TV personality Happy Chapman (Stephen Tobolowsky).

The movie is long and mostly boring with a few laughs sprinkled in the meow mix. Bill Murray is the saving grace of this of entire movie. Those two stars you see on the graphic for him and him only. This movie wouldn’t be worthy of a cat’s litter box! Hopefully the new animated movie from Sony will be more entertaining.

I remember this movie being better as a kid. Or maybe I hadn’t developed good taste in movies yet. Garfield was apparently sooooo successful that the powers that be decided that a sequel was necessary. (Spoiler Alert! It wasn’t!)
This time Garfield, Jon, and Odie are off to England where Garfield gets mistaken for Prince (Tim Currey), a royal cat, and gets a chance to live the high life. Prince gets a shot at the life of a commoner. Prince and Garfield have to team up to take down Lord Dargis (Billy Connolly) from taking over Carlyle Castle, Prince’s estate.
The sequel is only slightly better than the original, but not by much. It’s funnier than the original so that’s something. I guess. It’s worse than I remember. Thank God, there were only two of them!