2¢ Christmas, Christian Critique, Was it really that bad?, What the bleep was that?!

Christian Critique: The Star

Well, that was a massive disappointment.

Bo (Steven Yeun) wants to do something important with his life like joining the Royal Caravan, but God has a bigger plan in store for him: Being the Donkey that Mary rides to Bethlehem and the hero who’s behind saving Jesus from a really early demise. Yes. that’s the plot. Somebody, please cringe with me.

Christians suck at making faith-based movies. So does Hollywood. Christians not making good faith-based movies is disappointing. Hollywood not making good faith-based movies is disappointing, but expected and predictable. I wanted this to be good. I wanted it to be great. It was neither.
There are major Biblical inaccuracies:

  1. John is already born and in attendance at Mary and Joseph’s wedding
  2. Mary tells Joseph about Jesus after they are married and is far along enough that she has a massive baby bump.
  3. The Wise Men visit King Herod before Jesus is ever born, not two years after the fact. When Herod is informed of there being a new king, he sends a guard with two dogs to track Mary, Joseph, and Jesus down and put an end to this new Kindom before it ever has a chance to start. I wish I was joking.

This movie was like Bible fan fiction. Really bad Bible fanfiction. Written by people unfamiliar with the original source material. AKA THE BIBLE!! I don’t know if the writers are Christian or not. I’m hoping for the sake of the movie that they’re not. Because if they are, this is embarrassing. They don’t even mention Jesus by name until close to the end. He gets name-dropped twice. Other than that he’s referred to as the baby and God’s son. Considering it’s a Hollywood movie, I’m surprised they mentioned Jesus by name at all.
I liked that Joseph was played by Zachary Levi and that the movie showed both Mary and Joseph struggle with the idea of being responsible for Jesus. I thought that was realistic. But that’s all I liked. Other than that the movie was long, I got bored, and stared at my phone which I don’t usually do if I’m enjoying something. Read the Bible instead. It’s better. So much better.

2¢ After Dark, 2¢ Christmas, Was it really that bad?, What the bleep was that?!

2¢ After Dark Gone Sour: Scrooged

That’s an hour and forty-six minutes of my life that I’m never getting back. Ever.

Mean-spirited TV executive Frank Cross (Bill Murray) is a modern-day Scrooge (Well, modern for 1988 anyway). He fires someone over a disagreement and treats his assistant and everyone around him like crap. He needs a visit from his dead, disintegrating boss and three ghosts to straighten him out.
Good news: I have a new least favorite movie! Bad news: I had to watch this to find out it was my least favorite movie. Scrooged is mean-spirited, crude, crass, unfunny, to borrow a word from the movie, bleak, heartless, and soulless garbage. It’s a boring trainwreck. The writers were probably higher than a fricking kite. Nothing can save this dismal disaster of a film. I’ve had colonoscopies more fun! But I do have a favorite part: The credits!
The movie is long and the lead is completely unlikable. Language includes words like bitch, shit, damn, and several misuses of God’s name, four times paired with damn along with several other off-color words. Other unnecessary elements include scantily-clad dancers and a woman making photocopies of her butt to pass around the office Christmas party. Frank’s girlfriend is seen in the bathtub, but nothing too personal is shown. She gives him a copy of the Kama Sutra and they flip through it. There’s honestly too many issues to list on Instagram. You’re better off watching something else. Something wholesome like The Santa Clause, Elf, or Arthur Christmas. Anything but this.

2¢ Christmas, Was it really that bad?

Unnecessary Reboot Alert: Not So Sweet Home Alone

OK. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before! A bratty kid gets accidentally left behind by his loud, obnoxious family when they leave on Christmas Vacation. Sound familiar? Yeah. That’s cause it’s been done 5 times before and Home Sweet Home Alone brings the grand total up to 6!

Max Mercer (Archie Yates) is left home alone when his family goes to Japan for Christmas. Days before their departure date, they stop at a neighbor’s house to use the bathroom. While there, Max steals what turns out to be an heirloom worth $200,000.

Neighbors, Pam (Ellie Kemper) and Jeff (Rob Delaney) are desperate to get the ugly doll back so that they can collect the money so that they don’t have to move. They’re desperate. Desperate people do desperate things. Things like breaking and entering. They plan a break-in to retrieve their stolen property. Max overhears their plot and immediately starts scheming and plotting an elaborate booby trap to protect himself and his home from the well-intentioned burglars.

It’s a slightly different spin on an oft-told and worn out tale. Unlike in the classic original story, Pam and Jeff don’t actually want to hurt Max, they just want their doll back. The ending is sweet, but it isn’t worth this long mess of a movie to get there. There’s not much that’s new to keep your attention. It’s long and boring. It tries to be funny but fails more than succeeds at its humor. There’s a great scene where someone is watching a remake of the film that Kevin watched in the original. It’s said that remakes aren’t as great as the Classics and that couldn’t be more true, especially in this case. Maybe it’s time to put an end to the Home Alone franchise once and for all. Because 6 times is 4 times too many. There’s nothing bad about this movie. It’s just not good. At all.

Was it really that bad? Yes, yes it was. Watch it now on Disney Plus. Of course, I don’t know why you would bother with the original sitting right there, but that’s just me.

Was it really that bad?, What the bleep was that?!

Was It Really That Bad? Thunder Force

Two estranged friends, Lydia (Melissa McCarthy) and Emily (Octavia Spencer) reunite for a school reunion but never make it there. Lydia has dedicated her life to ending the Miscreants, the supervillain who killed her parents. She’s worked out a way to give humans superpowers. Lydia accidentally becomes the recipient of super strength and is forced to continue the treatments or face the life-ending consequence. Emily begins the treatments for invisibility and the two team up to form the crime-fighting team, Thunder Force.
Twitter destroyed this movie when it came out last year, but was it really that bad?
The short answer: Yes!

It’s an hour and forty-seven-minute cringe-fest! Which is a shame considering the talented cast, but not even talented actresses like Melissa McCarthy and Octavia Spencer could save this movie! It’s a long, unfunny mess which is bad you have an actress known for her comedic talent in a lead role! The best part of the movie was Melissa’s Urkel impression. The purple Lamborghini was cool too, but that’s it.

There’s a couple gross things too. Lydia acquires a taste for raw chicken. There are several raw chicken-eating scenes. The Crab (Jason Bateman) talks about receiving his powers by being bitten by a radioactive crab on his genitalia. A gross and unnecessary detail and if I have to suffer so do you! There’s a little language throughout as well. I liked the cast and the concept but hated everything else! Skip this one. Twitter was right about this one. As one of my favorite critics Nostalgia Critics says, I watched it so you don’t have to!